Self defense training for the Zombie Apocalypse – 3 core skills to get you through

Training to live through the zombie apocalypse is actually pretty simple. There are just 3 core skills you need to train.


Skill number 1

Firstly, everyone knows that zombies are unrelenting. Some move slow, some actually run (see World War Z for an example of the running type). But no matter how slow or fast they move, they never seem to stop coming after you.

So our first skill is endurance. If the zombies never stop chasing you, then you can never stop running. I would definitely throw some sprints in there to build your speed endurance (for outrunning those pesky faster types).

Plus as an added benefit, if the zombies do catch and turn you (as opposed to kill you and eat your brains – see Warm Bodies for those kinds of zombies), then you’ll be nice and fit so you can be the most effective human-catching zombie out there. You might even win a ZOM award – that’s Zombie Of the Month, it’s like employee of the month, but more prestigious.

Cardio, cardio, cardio.


Skill number 2

Next you really need to learn lock-picking. From all the movies we know that the zombies will eventually find your hideout. And that means that all your preps will be overrun by the zombies and you won’t be able to get at them. So this means you’re going to go hungry***.

This means that you have the moral right (by being hungry of course) to break into, and loot, any place you can find. But shops didn’t anticipate the zombie apocalypse, only normal, human, looters. So the bastards have probably put locks on their doors (because they were too stupid to realise the zombie apocalypse was coming, and that people were going to go hungry). So this means you can either try brute force your way in, or pick the locks. I’m not sure what type of zombie will apocalyse the world, so just in case they have super hearing I’d rather you learn to be silent and pick the locks of any store you need to loot.

Oh, if you do want to learn how to brute force your way into a store (in case we get deaf zombies), then go join in a couple Black Lives Matter protests for the practice. Or go attend Berkley University, they’ll be doing similar practice soon enough.


*** – We don’t actually have to worry about water or anything else because the zombie apocalypse movies show us that we’ll never actually get thirsty, only hungry. Plus we all obviously live in the USA where there are all these mountain streams everywhere with perfectly clean drinking water.


Skill number 3

As more boys tend to prepare for the zombie apocalypse than girls, there will be plenty of guns and ammo lying around in all our secret stashes. We might run out of food, but definitely not ammo. But guns and ammo are nothing without accuracy (nothing but fun!). So we need to learn to shoot accurately. Even more so because everyone knows that zombies only die from headshots.

So go to the range and practise your marksmanship. Don’t worry that you’re always standing still when you practise, you’re fit enough to get a lead on the zombies so you won’t ever have to move and shoot at the same time. And because Bad Guys always accost you from a reasonable distance (and you’ve trained to never let anyone get closer than 21 feet, except on the subway, but those are safe) this stand-and-deliver shooting will also help you train for the real world.

So practice your accuracy boys. Head shots all the way. If you get really good you might win yourself a ZKOM award (Zombie Killer Of the Month).


Bonus skill

Practise looking like Brad Pitt, he seems to live through these kinds of things ok.


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